Happy Birthday, Mom.

 Thank you for the upbringing. 

Thank you for making me half of who I am-

And thank you for the scarface, because let's be real, every parent has one. 

Thank you for the Christmases. 

Thank you for being you, for showing me who I should be and who I should never become. 

Thank you for the clarity, even when it hurt, 

Thank you for my siblings. 

Thank you for showing your true colours.

I love you tremendously- don't ever get that confused. 

I wished the best for you. 

But the bottle had other plans. 

I wish we got those moments at the table, drinking coffee, gossiping about adult life, talking about how hard things were. 

I wish I could drop the kids off for 20 minutes to run to the grocery store just to be able to breathe. 

I wish I could lean on you when it comes to my kids disabilities- because you knew. You always had an idea. You were someone I could rely on. 

Somehow you were my rock. 

Don't ask me how- I don't even know. But you were. 

You were superwoman. 

Juggling me, my brother, my sister, my other brother with major disabilities 

You rocked that shit. 

Then he died..... 

And a part of you died with him. 

After that, there was no turning back, 

I get it. I do. 

I cannot imagine losing a child. It would break me too. 

But that day, 3 children lost you. 

And that break was different. 

You didn't just fall  - you left. 

We didn't have anyone to turn too. 

And Mom, I love you for everything you did... 

But Mom - Fuck you.. 

Fuck the fact I've taken over all your duties. 

Fuck the fact that all your kids ended up with me - because if not me, then who? You?

Fuck the fact you're not here. 

My kids have disabilities and I needed you... 

Fuck the fact you left and took the easy way out. 

But don't worry...

You living son is doing great, 

Your other daughter moved in - yeah that was messy, but she's in a good spot now. She's happy. 

No thanks to you, thanks, Mom. 

I was always proud to be the oldest. 

Until I realized you were going to leave me holding everyone. 

People say "They can take care of themselves."

No, sir. 

They never had anyone to look up to.  

So they're mine now. 

And I've got them. 

So.... Happy birthday, Mom. 

I love you. 

And Fuck You.